From the time I first felt the adrenaline rush of playing sports and the high that can come from listening to rock ‘n’ roll turned up to 10, I’ve felt the pull to exciting situations. The fire service allowed me to feel that excitement and channel it into a meaningful career that served others in a fulfilling and satisfying way. But it takes on a sense of normalcy the longer you do it. The stuff that makes the nonfirefighting world take a step back ends up being just another day at work for firefighters. What is critical for all who take on our calling, and surely for those who must live with them, is to recognize that these periods of danger are extreme and have a dramatic impact even if it is not recognized by those involved.
At any given moment of the day my crew and I might be called to intervene in some of the most horrific situations imaginable in an attempt to bring calm to chaos. These situations do not just occur over the course of a campaign or designated time period, but continue on throughout the course of our career, shift after shift after shift.
Read More: Challenges of the Firefighter Marriage
The exposure is ongoing, regardless of our feelings or of what is happening in our home life. It is typical for us to be washing our rigs or greeting kids at a school function only to then be cutting a bleeding patient out of the twisted remains of a vehicle. Or we might be doing a drill or inspecting a building when a ripping fire call comes in and people will live or die based on how we perform. It is rarely a “normal” day, as most would characterize normal to be.
I recall telling Anne about a run we had and the scene that presented itself on our arrival. As we pulled up, I could see an SUV on the sidewalk with a pair of legs sticking out from underneath the vehicle. A baby stroller was lying on its side next to a couple who were bleeding by a shattered store window. On closer inspection, we saw that there was a pair of legs sticking out of that broken window, as another person had been knocked through it by the car. Oh, and the driver was still in the car on top of the trapped person. It was now time to go to work.
It was only after that final bit of information that I realized that Anne was looking at me horrified. Her incomprehension of the scene I’d just painted was evident. “Normal” is a very different word away from the job. This was just work for me, nothing all that special.
This is critical for our spouses to recognize, as we become conditioned to the intensity over time and less and less surprised by what we see. It still has a dramatic impact on us physiologically, but we develop coping mechanisms, some healthy and others decidedly not. By recognizing the reality of our workplace, our hope is that firefighter couples will determine to give each other the benefit of the doubt and become each other’s champion when facing up to the realities that danger presents.
The real tragedy of not dealing appropriately with the impacts of the dangers of firefighting may very well drive you apart. Because of the bodily processes that occur to allow us to meet danger head on, some of the impacts and reactions downstream will not be pleasant when it’s time to come home. The terrible reality is that so many who are giving their all at work to keep society safe and sane will lose all that is precious to them in their own homes. Since some of this is outside the firefighter’s immediate control, it helps when spouses will give us some grace, see that it’s not personal, and hopefully open better communication to minimize the negative behaviors and develop methods to cope with and eliminate them.
Mike Gagliano has more than 33 years of fire/crash/rescue experience with the Seattle (WA) Fire Department and the United States Air Force. He retired as the captain of Ladder 5 and is an (honorary) member of Fire Station 31. He has written numerous fire service articles and is co-author of the bestselling books Air Management for the Fire Service, Challenges of the Firefighter Marriage, and the SCBA chapter of Fire Engineering’s Handbook for Firefighter I and II. He is a member of the Fire Engineering/FDIC International Advisory Board, a Firefighter Air Coalition board member, and an advisory board member of UL’s Fire Safety Research Institute. He co-hosts the FireEngineering.com radio Webcast “The Mikey G and Mikey D Show” and partners with his wife Anne to teach strategies for developing and maintaining a strong marriage/family.
