Dear Nozzlehead: A very good friend of mine created a situation–by way of his reaction to a nightmarish event–that threw everything I believe and know about what we do and, more importantly, who we are as firefighters, into a tizzy.
My friend was a fire training officer and an excellent firefighter, and he came from a long line of firefighters in his family.
In late fall, he found out his wife was going to leave him and that she’d been having a long-term relationship with another member of the department–another brother firefighter. After learning of the relationship, my friend committed suicide. And he did so in the community where he served as a firefighter, on a run where his own members responded.
Shocked and emotionally screwed up doesn’t begin to describe how we feel–and those of us who knew him didn’t notice anything wrong. We have so many emotions, about everything from his wife messing around to the firefighter who was messing around with his wife to the emotional state he must have been in to the questions, “Why didn’t we see it?” and, “Why didn’t he reach out to one of us?”
Your thoughts on this incredible situation would be appreciated.
–Numb in the North
Dear Numb
After reading your letter I too feel numb. Unfortunately, you and your members are looking for answers that may never be found. I usually add some cynicism to my responses, but probably not this month–probably not.
Adultery is a heart-breaking betrayal, whether it’s physical intimacy with another person or emotional cheating (an affair excluding sex but including emotional intimacy). We all know someone who has cheated–or perhaps we have been the one who cheated on someone we love–and someone almost always ends up hurt.
So why does this happen? And why does it happen within the brotherhood and sisterhood of the fire service? Because we aren’t all that different than anyone else or any other group of people–we just sometimes think we are. And although so many in our business push the idea of “brotherhood,” it’s often just a word–not how we really live, work or function. A veteran fire chief and good friend of mine uses the acronym BMA, as in Brotherhood My Ass. The word “brotherhood” means nothing until our actions demonstrate what it stands for–every single day, all the time.
I guess the first thing we oughta do is provide some information for those who have been the victims of an affair. It’s kinda sad because, just like a car crash, as long as it isn’t our car crash, we like to watch it and hear all about it. Beware of those who thrive on the bad stuff that happens to others.
Many hunger to watch cheating spouses on TV shows such as “Desperate Housewives” or “The Jerry Springer Show,” but in reality, if it’s directly impacting YOU, it’s one of the most horrific and painful betrayals you will ever experience. On the other hand, if you are having the affair, something has drawn you to it and for whatever reasons, the blood from your brain ends up elsewhere, severely impacting your ability to think within the realm of reality.
Surviving an extramarital affair takes a lot of courage, strength and honesty. And it also takes someone who can handle it. Not everyone can handle it, and that’s not anyone’s fault. For some it’s impossible to look at the person you love, then picture the two of them together and expect you and your spouse to be together again. We’re all different, and some people handle tragic personal stuff like affairs differently than others–it depends on what we’re made of.
Your friend sounds like a fine firefighter, but his world was destroyed by either that specific event or a series of events leading up to that. Either way, it hurt him so much that he could no longer handle the pain of life. Some may think that’s a weakness. My opinion: It was HIS pain. You may not think an affair is worth killing yourself, but to him it–along with whatever else was going on in his head and life–hurt so much that he could no longer stand it.
For some folks, it may be easier to divorce after infidelity, but perhaps for him it was his concerns about having to face his “brother” firefighters again. Maybe it was his kids whom he couldn’t face.
Maybe others knew about what was going on but no one wanted to say anything “because it isn’t my business ….” Does that mean those who knew about the affair are responsible for his death? I don’t know what role they play in this. But I’m sure there are now many more victims of this horrible tragedy, from the wife to the “brother” firefighter to the dads, moms, aunts, uncles, grandparents and the children of those involved.
And so how are things going at the firehouse now following this tragedy? Who blames who? It’s a horrible mess.
I did a bunch of research that I hope will help those who may either be directly involved in an affair, thinking about an affair or know about an affair.
The following information is for you if you’re a victim, the affair is out in the open, and you now have to decide where to go with it. If you and yours decide to stay together after an affair, here are one psychologist’s suggestions to surviving an extramarital affair found at http://behavioural-psychology.suite101.com/article.cfm/surviving_an_extramarital_affair.
1. Recognize your role: If your spouse had an emotional affair or was physically unfaithful, try to understand how and why one or both of you allowed this to happen. Two people contribute to an unhappy marriage and we very often ignore the warning signs, which can be very obvious. Consider marital counseling to help you and your spouse see how why and when your relationship started to fall apart.
2. Time to change? If you want to keep the relationship going, be open to change–MAJOR change. Neither you nor your spouse is perfect, but you both need to be open to recognizing your flaws and making changes that will improve your communication, interaction and commitment. And it will be interesting as you both re-visit the concepts of commitment and trust. A tough road is ahead.
3. Limit your questions: According to Gary Neuman, author of “Emotional Infidelity: How to Avoid It,” this issue is controversial among marital therapists. You may feel that you can deal with the extramarital affair better if you know the details, yet knowing everything can prolong and deepen the pain. Dr. Neuman recommends discussing the questions that will help you survive marital infidelity: “There are some questions you are entitled to know the answers to.” These include: who was it, how did you meet, how long did the relationship last, do you have a relationship now, does anyone else know and why did you have the affair? Unfortunately, your mind may have more questions and it’s an individual issue on how to deal with it and, sadly, some deal with it with tragic results.
4. Don’t repeatedly bring up the affair: Experts suggest that you don’t keep bringing up the extramarital affair. After you’ve received a genuine apology and a verbal reassurance that it’ll never happen again, the most difficult part is to put it behind you. Don’t bring it up during arguments or discussions. However, in reality this may border on impossible. After all, every time you see your spouse, your mind may play the scenario over and over; it can be a nightmare.
5. Move on–if you really think you can: With help from a counselor, perhaps you both can develop a plan for surviving infidelity. Maybe you can view the affair as a terrible mistake when your marriage was suffering and as a way to create a better marriage.
So what’s the solution for you, Numb? For your department it will take time, and the amount of time depends on all the circumstances that you know and I don’t know. It won’t be pretty. And talk about hypocrites: Watch them come out of the woodwork. BMA.
Numb, focus on your family, your life, your love and marriage–there’s lots to learn from here. My advice about marriage: Communicate. No matter what, COMMUNICATE. Good, bad or whatever, it won’t work if you can’t communicate.
Our condolences to you, your department and all those affected by the horrific tragedy, with hopes that by sharing this story we can learn from it.
In next month’s column, I’ll provide some advice for those who have been involved in an affair, as well as some suicide warning signs.
