
I have to preface this article with the following disclaimer: I have failed miserably in every way on the following subject of brotherhood.
Now that I’ve absolved myself of that guilty piece of information, it’s story time.
Several months ago, as I traversed the vast junkyard that is social media, I came across someone in the act of “calling someone out.” Their post was heated, and boy did it generate heat in response, in the form of screenshots of private and not so private conversations.
As I scrolled through the comments that echoed the author’s anger I couldn’t help but notice a theme. The longer the post sat, the more people forgot what the original anger was over and just piled on. Naturally being the kindly and calm type A individual that I am…I joined the fray and pointed that fact out. I believe that what followed next is what’s referred to as “escalation.”
After several rounds of verbal sparring that probably made as much sense as any kindergarten argument, the author and I both went and found our corners. I’m sure we both sat in those corners self-satisfied in the knowledge that our point of view was the correct one. I didn’t know this guy from Adam, but how he handled this situation was not how I would. Therefore: he was wrong. And then, well, call it maturity (or straight up embarrassed guilt), I thought about it.
Is Brotherhood Still Alive
Brotherhood. We do love that term. We celebrate it, we mourn its loss, and we brag about being around when it existed. Do we actually know what it means? Once upon a time we didn’t have the internet. Our phones were indestructible bricks that could survive being used as doorstops, and they didn’t spend much time distracting us. When we wanted to argue with each other we had to do so face to face. Yet here I was arguing with a random stranger on social media. Was he always this way; was he going through a family crisis; did his dog die? I couldn’t answer any of those things because I had never even met this guy. What if he was just having a really bad day and handling it poorly? Why was I even kicking at someone I didn’t know? Enter the search for this dude’s number, and a slight dose of humility.
A funny thing happens when you engage another human being one on one with no onlookers. You calm down, use your people skills, ask questions. Are we best friends now…no. It did give us the chance as “brothers” to back up and say, “Hey, is stuff ok in your world?” Don’t get me wrong, we carried on the argument, but it now took a tone of fact-finding and an attempt to understand what the issue was.
Let’s face it – we do talk about brotherhood a lot. We feel that it’s been taken away, or that modern culture has murdered it. Do we actually know what it means or who truly controls it?
Returning to Face-To-Face
In the fire service we are unique in many ways, but in so many ways we echo the issues of the outside world that we live in when we’re off duty. Conversations that focus on understanding the other’s opinion? I think one quick glance at politics can tell us that’s out the window. We can’t continue to believe that the death of brotherhood isn’t partly due to our adoption of how society now argues and interacts.
Social media is a glittering cesspool. It’s a place where we can find some thought-provoking stuff that’s frequently mixed in with false bravado. We can now put our opinions out there without having to back them up. We can also put our complaints out there and feel that we’ve absolved ourselves of the responsibility to fix a problem because we’re the ones who brought awareness to it.
We’ve found a way to take the responsibility for actually fixing things off of our shoulders when we do that. We also no longer have to be face to face with someone to trash their reputation, and there’s truly minimal repercussion for doing so. Worst of all? We no longer have to see the consequences of our unkind words on another person. Brotherhood…right?
Call-Out-Culture
Truth be told, the internet is what separates those who have managed to elevate themselves by saying “cool things” from actual leaders. Our recent obsession with “call-out culture” has some people looking like they’re willing to take things on and shake up the old ways. You know what’s missing from that internet world equation? The quiet ones. Those who speak up when necessary, those who check bad behavior in public when it’s absolutely necessary and know that private conversations are the most effective way to change minds and behaviors. The change makers aren’t as worried about making noise as they are about helping those around them grow.
Still think we have no responsibility in the death of brotherhood?
It might sound simplistic to say, but our next generation of leaders is growing up with a keyboard culture mentality. A mentality that lacks the accountability of a true in-person brotherhood. Have this weird conversation with your younger members.
Teach them the value of correcting behavior in private, standing up for others in public, and checking in on people when you see them acting out. Talking about something on the internet will never equate to creating change in the same manner that in-person action will. It’s a changing fire service, but the responsibility for acting in ways that keep a “brotherhood” alive? I think we can all call ourselves out on this one. Keeping actual brotherhood alive is entirely in our hands.
BIO:
Stephanie White is a 20-year veteran of the fire service and has spent the past 18 years as a professional firefighter/paramedic in a metropolitan fire department. Throughout her career, she has been actively involved in firefighter health and safety as a personal trainer, cancer awareness educator, and a trained mental health peer.