In the past two years, as my kids grew, my roles and responsibilities changed at work, and my life continued marching on, I’ve developed a need that I haven’t really had before. I need something that is mine and no one else’s. Something that isn’t dependent on anyone and I don’t need anyone’s contribution to or input on. Something I can do or have, just for me.
The fire service is incredibly heavy on the “service” side in today’s industry. We hammer into probationary members that they can abandon the idea of a work-life balance for the first year of their career. The staples of selflessness, contributing to the greater good, serving the community, and putting your crew and public first are still alive and well in many departments and communities across the nation. We are told that we are less important than the whole and that outwardly accepting praise is a negative attribute. We are asked and then told to continually give pieces of ourselves to others. When and how do we get some of those pieces back?
Finding something special in my life that’s just mine and no one else’s is one of the best ways that I’ve seen to take back some pieces. You might be thinking of some hobbies or side jobs that fit the bill, but let me put some guidelines into play that can help further define what I’m talking about.
BECAUSE I WANT TO
…Not because “I have to.” The first step in ruining a good thing is obligation. We’ve all engaged in activities and attended events out of obligation, and even though it may be something you have a genuine interest in, the entire mood is ruined by the fact that you “have” to be there instead of just purely wanting to be there.
IF I DON’T DO IT, NOBODY IS LET DOWN OR WAITING
I’m on my terms, I’m on my time, and it has no affect on anyone else. If I set out to do a 50-mile bike ride and pull the plug after 15 miles, nobody is left waiting or let down. This is for me, and I don’t have to overextend myself to meet someone else’s expectations.
IT IS NOT PAID OR INCENTIVIZED
The best way to ruin a good thing is to get paid for it. Obligation is another major player in this one. Now you’re not just building cutting boards because you like them but because you have an order that’s waiting. This fun hobby or passion that you had previously used as escape is now making you consider missing family events because of a deadline. Not to mention, it can ruin your ability to use creativity as a personal outlet. Why would you spend hours making something for yourself when you could get paid to make it for others? You’ve lost the thing that you once sought out, and now you have to find another thing to escape from the first one!
I’LL DO IT EVEN IF NOBODY WANTS TO DO IT WITH ME
This hobby or meaning you found could be so fulfilling and give you so much joy that you don’t need anyone else to enjoy it. It’s all yours and your friends opting out or even showing zero interest has no effect on your interest in it and your ability to do it.
Now, of course, there are some things to consider when finding your niche. The largest and most intrusive limitations are time and money.
This year, I’ve made gravel cycling my “thing.” In early February 2024, I went to my first gravel race (it was more of a ride for me), and I’ve gone to a few other races since. In August, I went back to Lincoln, Nebraska, for a shockingly hilly 77-mile gravel race. I’ve found that my solitary training rides, whether in the basement or on the trails, are something I really enjoy and they fit into all of the guidelines listed above. The time and money restrictions I have are still allowing me to ride at a level that I enjoy with two or three hours of training a week using a bike I was able to buy without overextending. If I was steadfast that the only way I could possibly enjoy riding was with a consistent and guaranteed 14 hours of training time per week and new carbon bike (somewhere in the $5k-7k price range), I would be setting myself up for some amazing disappointment.
One factor that is often overlooked is being aware of whether you are an introvert or extrovert. Commonly these are confused, and we would consider the extrovert to be the most lively person at the party, but the textbook meaning is more focused on how you act or what you prefer to do when it is time to “recharge your batteries.” It could very well be that the person dancing on the bar is a natural introvert but showing extroversion in the moment and will need a solid day of sitting in a quiet room to recover from the night out. Using this information to find your niche or hobbies is invaluable.
As you age and your responsibilities change and grow, where you find your happiness is also likely to change. In my late 20s, I would seek out and travel to find a competitive men’s league hockey game. As I near 40, I’d much rather find an abandoned rat sheet and a shooter tutor as close to home as possible. Using what you think you “should” be able to do or comparing your current hobbies to what you used to be able to do is a recipe for disaster.
Embrace hockey, cycling, fishing, writing, art, building ships in bottles, or whatever else it is that you can turn to and know that it is all yours. You do it because you want to, not because it’s dependent on anyone else. Nobody but you benefits from your hobbies and passions, and obligation is nowhere to be found. The fire service will not stop asking more from you and more of you. Finding something that gives you some pieces of yourself back can be just what you need to get through the hard days, and it makes the good days even better.
To hear more discussions and ideas on this topic, find the Tailboard Talks Firefighter podcast on any pod app or YouTube and visit www.4thShiftFirefighter.com
