3 Pitfalls to Poor Communication

Being “healthy” means more than just eating right or exercising. It also means controlling stress and other factors that contribute to mental health.

Poor mental and emotional fitness can cause poor physical health by leading to or exacerbating physiological problems, such as high blood pressure, sleep disorders, heart disease and skin disorders, to name a few. This is in addition to just “feeling bad” or being depressed.

Although many factors of the firefighter’s job are stressful and therefore can contribute to poor mental health, two major factors are your communication with fellow firefighters and living in close quarters with people you may not always get along with.

Unlike other stressors in our lives, how we get along with firefighters in the firehouse is something we can control–we just need the right communication tools.

There are three main pitfalls that can lead to poor communication. To help navigate the interpersonal dynamics of everyday life, particularly workplace interactions, you need to understand each of these pitfalls and how they can affect your health: your inner dialogue, hot-button reactions (fight or flight) and personal ego. In this article, we’ll address these components and offer you some tools for regaining or maintaining a low-stress dialogue so you can achieve optimal emotional and mental health.

Inner Dialogue
Your inner dialogue can undermine the best intentions. Often, our minds run wild interpreting a situation without gathering all the information necessary to make an informed assessment. Don’t react to assumptions. How your mind begins to process information from a third party reporting on someone else’s statements or actions is a classic example. If it’s derogatory information, we immediately get angry and start building our defenses.

Depending on how much time passes between getting the initial message and actually interacting with the person in question, the amount of damage that can be done is immeasurable, especially if we seek validation from our peers, which means we share what we heard and embellish it with all of our misinformed interpretations. You’ve got that individual drawn and quartered before you’ve had the most important conversation of all–the one with that person.

The first thing that should cross your mind when presented with a situation or individual that is upsetting you: “What do I know to be fact, and what else do I need to know to assess this situation?”

Hot-Button Reaction/Fight or Flight
When you react in a hostile or aggressive manner to an immediate situation, it’s commonly referred to as a hot-button reaction or a fight-or-flight reaction, and it’s rooted in physiological events that take place in your brain. The amygdala is the part of the brain that’s home to your fight-or-flight reaction. This little powerhouse produces big reactions–with very little information. Only 5 percent of the information being taken in via your senses actually makes its way to the amygdala, and this process initiates the fight-or-flight reaction.

One of the first side effects of this reaction: Significant amounts of blood are drained from your brain and shunted to your extremities for fight or flight. In a stressful conversation, you not only begin to make judgments based on minimal information, but you’re struck stupid due to lack of oxygen to your brain! This is certainly a recipe for regrettable actions.

Although the fight-or-flight response is unconscious and happens in a fraction of a second, there is a way to counter it. In time, the brain passes the rest of the sensory information to the neocortex. With more information processed, that part of the brain is better equipped to make sound assessments of the situation. Thus, by taking a couple of breaths when you feel the physiological effects of a hot-button reaction (e.g., an elevated heart rate, sweating and confusion), you allow a deeper level of assessment to take place in the brain. If you’re uncomfortable with the silence associated with that moment, try responding first with, “Hang on. Let me make sure I understand your point.” This will buy you time to process the situation and can defuse the other person as you’ve shown an interest in their problem.

Understanding how the amygdala works not only helps you understand yourself, it also helps you understand how others react to you. But remember: People don’t have to be physically threatened to initiate fight-or-flight behavior. If someone is showing signs of fight-or-flight behavior, they’re feeling threatened, and you should look for ways to regain safety in the conversation.

Let’s look closer at the difference between fight and flight behavior. Fight behavior includes controlling, attacking and/or labeling behaviors, to name a few. A person in fight mode will try to control the conversation, even if that means repeating their point or argument. They will attack others and their ideas with abusive tactics, such as belittling or threatening behavior. Labeling discredits others by association. For example, someone might say, “That’s typical coming from this administration ….” It attempts to discredit while avoiding making a valid point and is really just a copout. Labeling attacks a group or individual and fails to address the actual issue.

Flight behavior is more passive. Signs of flight include masking, avoiding or withdrawing. Masking tries to conceal emotions. It includes sarcasm, patronizing behavior and sugar-coating statements. Avoidance behavior is self-explanatory. An individual will avoid the situation, person or necessary discussion. Withdrawing, however, can be subtle. A person may outwardly agree with you, but internally disagree, then get very quiet on the topic or simply check out of the conversation altogether. Additionally, they may stop contributing to other issues facing your team or organization.

The Ego
Communication gets further complicated when we consider the ego. When most people hear the term ego, the first thing that comes to mind is someone with a distorted perception of their own self-importance. But being driven by ego is far more damaging than just being boastful. Ego-driven people must be better than others, and prove others wrong. They blame and take offense, seek self-importance and ignore the wellbeing of others. They thrive on criticism, condemnation, fear and guilt.

This may sound heavy, but it’s true. The next time you’re in an argument, ask yourself what’s so important–and are you carrying on simply because you want to be right? More importantly, what would you lose if you explored a different solution? This is where the “ego antidote” comes in. This may sound touchy-feely, but the best way to disarm your ego is with compassion. Sound too simple? To some people, compassion and empathy come naturally. But, since we can’t all be Gandhi or the Dalai Lama, most of us will have to make a conscious effort.

Tools for Making Good
Start with understanding what compassion looks like. In the arena of communication, it starts with a genuine desire to understand the other person’s point of view more than you desire that person to understand yours. As Stephen Covey says, “Seek first to understand, then be understood.”

You can see how challenging this can be. When someone is aggressive toward us, the furthest thing from our minds is how to make life easier for that person; however, when you look beyond that moment, you’ll see you’re truly making life easier for you. This process will become liberating.

The same holds true if someone shifts into flight mode. Initially, the easy choice is to consider yourself the victor. You walk away feeling like you scored one for the home team, but in your heart of hearts you know you have unfinished business. These things don’t just go away. One way or another, they’ll rear their ugly heads and come back to haunt you, often with more intensity.

Take the high road early. If you notice signs of aggression or withdrawing behavior, safety has been compromised. There’s no reason to continue talking about the topic because you’ll accomplish nothing until safety is restored. This is the time to look beyond the issue at hand, and work on fixing the actual conversation.

One tool that you can use is called contrasting. Basically, tell the person what you weren’t trying to do, followed by your true intention (i.e., “I didn’t mean to sound critical; I just want to look at other ways to achieve our goals.”)

Focusing on a common purpose is also an excellent way to gain trust and safety within a conversation. Common purpose may be as broad as having a productive day at work to hitting a specific benchmark within a project. At this point, a clear understanding of the difference between position and interest becomes critical. Two people can have very different positions on any given topic. The challenge comes in exploring the interests in those positions, then looking for commonality between them or a means to satisfy both interests.

A simplistic example of this would be two firefighters arguing about cleaning the bay floors. One wants to do it now; the other wants to do it later. They could go on for hours arguing position; however, ask a couple key questions, and interests come into play. Why do you want to clean the floors now? Why don’t you want to clean the floors now? One firefighter knows that the chief is stopping by later that afternoon and wants the floors to look sharp. The other has been waiting for a Fire Prevention Week special on the History Channel, and it starts in 20 minutes. Instantly the landscape changes and options become available. The two decide that as soon as the show is over, they’ll both clean the floors before the chief shows up. Simplistic, yes, but you get the idea.

The only way to explore interests is through effective questioning. The most important part of asking questions is actually listening to the answer. There are several ways to hone your listening skills, but the best is called active listening.

Active listening includes verbal acknowledgement and paraphrasing or reframing the person’s message. Paraphrasing can start with, “So, if I understand you … ”, “Let me know if I have this right … ” or “So you’re saying that … ” This simple action lets the person know you’re paying attention, and it gives them an opportunity to explain themselves more thoroughly if your paraphrasing isn’t consistent with their intent.

It’s crucial to reframe with a positive spin. If someone is angry about conditions in the station, for example, avoid repeating what’s wrong with the situation. Instead, reframe by saying, “So you’d like to improve the work environment here in the station. What do you suggest?”

Utilizing the “I” statement is the final tool we’ll address. By basing your statements on fact and your own feelings on the situation, you instantly take responsibility for what you’re saying. This helps prevent placing blame and subsequently avoid putting that person on the defensive.

There are three components to the “I” statement. State the facts (not opinions), share your feeling on the subject, then state what you’d like to see happen (the solution): “This is what I’m seeing …”, “This makes me feel …”, “Here’s what I’d like to see …”

Final Thoughts
The fact of the matter is you are the common denominator in every interaction you’ve had and will ever have. If you find yourself in a continuous state of turmoil, it’s time to start doing some self-reflection, because you may be doing your mind and body more harm than you realize. If you routinely operate under high stress, no matter what the cause, over time, your health and fitness will suffer–everything from your brain to your gut to your heart can be significantly affected. So you may have some work to do.

Where do you begin? Be honest with yourself. Remember that it’s OK to feel stressed or anxious about interactions with individuals; it’s how you manage your stress level that can make a huge difference in your overall health and wellness. Remind yourself to not take conversations too personally, and don’t make them personal. Business is business, and if you keep in mind the best interests of the whole, you’ll rarely go wrong.

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