Examining conflict and the styles people use to handle it
By Moira J. Kelly
Most people deeply dislike conflict; it is seen as disruptive and emotional, and it often results in unexpected change. All of that is true. At the same time, conflict is often necessary to bring out other points of view; reveal one’s true emotions about a situation; and make ourselves ready, willing, and even eager to make the change that conflict can bring. In this article and those that follow, I will show you how to understand conflict, use it to your advantage, and handle conflict situations at work in a skilled and professional way.
Positive and Negative
When people are asked about the first thing they think of when they hear the word conflict, they quickly blurt out anger, frustration, hate it, upset, avoid, argue, and the like. Notice that these words are both emotional and negative in connotation. Rarely, someone might say opportunity, or clears the air, or problem solving, but those words also reflect the reality of conflict. It is normal and quite human to think of conflict in negative terms, and yet there is almost always an opportunity within conflict to see things a different way and to find new approaches to a problem that is being faced by both parties in the dispute.
When we have conflict with someone else, we see ourselves as the one who is rational and reasonable. We think we are looking for all possible outcomes. We think we are being respectful of the other person’s view. We see ourselves as being the ones who are basing things on facts and that we have our emotions in check. However, when asked what the other person is doing in that same conflict, we think he is being irrational, emotional, overblowing the facts, and basing his actions on individual and not team norms. We think we are the cool, calm, rational one and that the other person is being an irrational, emotional fool. Here’s the kicker, though: If we were to ask the other person how he sees himself in a conflict, he would think that he is the cool, calm, rational one–and that we are the irrational, emotional fools. It is human and normal for us to think negatively about the person with whom we have a conflict. Just remember, the other person sees that exact same thing.
Confrontive, Persuasive, Introspective, Reactive
We each have a preference in our style for how we approach conflict. These styles are somewhat hardwired in us, and at the same time we can learn to recognize our style, the style of the other person, and how to best get what we need from that disagreement. The four styles are confrontive, persuasive, introspective, and reactive. You can certainly move between styles, and we each generally have a little bit of each style in us, which changes based on where we are when the conflict occurs and who we are in conflict with. Here’s a little bit about each style.
Confrontives tend to “take the bull by the horns.” They can be physically imposing in a confrontation. They often can be strongly judgmental about the person with whom they are in conflict. They have a strong need to control situations or people. Others see them as being directive. If you are in a conflict with a Confrontive, stay calm. Do not rise to provocations. Focus on facts, not the person. Restate the interests behind the demands. Show agreement on points where appropriate to do so.
Persuasives tend to stand up for themselves without being pushy. They generally take a proactive approach to conflict. While they are willing to collaborate, they also can seem to be wearing the other person down because Persuasives are talkers–they are dependent on good verbal skills to overcome any objection raised by others. If you are in a conflict with a Persuasive, combine facts and impact on people in presenting arguments. Look for ways to build relationships during the discussion. Be pleasant and genial. Use humor where appropriate.
Introspectives are like science beakers. They can only take so much for so long, and then they have to go process it and figure it all out. They tend to observe others and look at things analytically. They are the ones who adopt counseling and listening modes of behavior. Cooperative, even conciliatory in nature, they do not decide things quickly, but once they have made up their minds they are fairly set in their ways. If you find yourself in a conflict with an Introspective, give plenty of time for the person to review and reflect. Do not push for an immediate response. Back up requests with data, expert opinions, and materials that show different points of view.
Reactives are the people for whom conflict is deeply upsetting, perhaps even physically so. Reactives just want everyone to get along and for the conflict to go away. They tend toward passivity or withdrawal from conflict. They need to avoid confrontation. Reactives are usually very accepting and patient but suppress strong feelings because having the conflict go away is more important to them than getting their way about the conflict. If you are in a conflict with a Reactive, stay low key and conversational. Acknowledge the difficulty the situation has presented. Do not raise your voice or show physical aggression such as pounding on the table. Show why the solution you are proposing is in the best interests of both of you. Explain the mutual gain that will be realized with the deal. Show a willingness to help the individual succeed.
Which Are You?
Which style do you think best describes you? Can you think of others around you who have different styles? Once you see the styles in action, it becomes a lot easier to interact with styles that are not your own. In upcoming articles, I will share tips on how to handle difficult conversations, and we will also look at how the way you listen in a discussion could be the source of the conflict. We will examine the five most common ways to strategically handle conflict and many more topics.
Moira J. Kelly, “The Dispute Doctor,”â„¢ is president of KELLY CONSULTING LLC, a firm with extensive experience in workplace dispute resolution, labor relations consulting, and organizational effectiveness. KELLY CONSULTING LLC provides customized, creative training sessions for all levels of employees. Kelly is an experienced mediator and negotiator in more than 900 cases and dozens of collective bargaining negotiations. She has been recognized for her work in improving labor relations with the Melvin Lurie Award from the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee and with the President’s Award from the Wisconsin Association of Mediators for contributions to the field of dispute resolution. Kelly is an adjunct professor for Marquette University and the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee, teaching several dispute resolution, negotiation, mediation, and business courses. She regularly works with Gateway Technical College, teaching in the Company Officer Leadership Academy (COLA) for those in the fire service. Kelly is the coauthor of How to Cost Your Labor Contract (Bloomberg BNA) and has also had articles published in professional dispute resolution journals. She has a master’s degree in both dispute resolution and management. Kelly can be contacted at kellyconsulting@wi.rr.com.
