Jim was tired after a long day at the station house. One more hour to go and he would be on his way home. Just then, the alarm rang, and off he went to one of the more horrific fires of his career. Many hours later, as he was showering down before leaving the station house, thoughts of his wife and family crossed his mind. “Oh no,” he thought to himself, suddenly remembering his five-year-old’s scheduled birthday party. “Will they be angry with me? I missed another one!” Gearing himself up for an angry reception at home, it never occurred to him to share with his wife or children the five harrowing hours he had just experienced on the job. He always tried to protect them from the gore and the horror of it all. After all, home was supposed to be his castle, his sanctuary. But was it?
Feel free to switch out the name Jim for Dave, or Tom, or Kristin, or Mary. You can also substitute birthday for anniversary, graduation, wedding, or any other significant family event that you have missed over the years because of the call of duty. Now that you have made the story your own, does it sound familiar? Is that you trying to protect your spouse and family from the more difficult aspects of firefighting? How much do you share at home when you finally return after a long shift?
For that matter, why bother sharing? Will people who are not firefighters ever be able to understand what goes on at work? Won’t this be an exercise in futility?
Why Firefighters Do Not Share Their Work
Over the years, many of the firefighters I have met and worked with have told me how they try to create a separation between work and home-often to such an extent that it feels like a virtual wall has been erected between the two. By building this wall, firefighters feel that their home life will not be “contaminated” by their work experiences, thus creating a safe place for them to come home to, relax, and live their lives.
Does It Work?
You can answer that question better than I can. Does it work? Does home become a safe place, an oasis of peace and understanding? Or, is it more apt to say that spouses and children are often upset with the firefighter who misses family events, comes late to school performances or sporting events, and seems tense and uptight much of the time?
Lack of communication brings with it lack of support, understanding, and caring. How can spouses be supportive if the only thing they can picture is their mates sitting around the station, eating good meals, and shooting the breeze with their work partners? If that is the one item that they hear about, it will be hard for them to be understanding when the firefighters come home upset after a difficult shift.
What Can Be Done About This?
Making a proactive decision to start talking about work with partners and children can be difficult-especially if the habit is a longstanding one. Understanding that building communication takes time and a great deal of effort is essential.
First decide that you would like to talk with your family members about work and decide whom you will approach first. It is likely that you will choose your spouse or partner to begin with. Sometimes, you may choose an older child, a brother, a sister, or a parent. Remember that this is a courageous move and marks a significant change for you. It probably will not feel comfortable. As a matter of fact, it may feel downright uncomfortable! Pat yourself on the back for making this brave decision, and begin planning what you will say.
First Steps
The first step in planning your first conversation about what really goes on at work requires that you find the right time and place. Remember, there is no perfect time or place, but you should try to choose a relatively quiet time and place without too many distractions so that you can talk freely. Next, you will need to explain the decision you have made to share more about what goes on at work with your family members. You may also share why you have decided to talk with them about something that was until now off limits. As you are talking, notice whether your family members seem willing to listen. Are they eager to hear about what you do, or are they frightened and agitated?
There may be a variety of reactions. Some family members may actually prefer the old familiar way of an embargo on all work-related information. They may be resistant to change. Others may be eager to hear what you have to say and welcome your decision to share with them with open arms. Be prepared to hear what your family members have to say, too. Remember that communication is a two-way street, and it is important not to lecture or assume that they are interested.
Go Slow
It is important to go slow. This is a process and evolves over time. During your first conversation, do not share your most difficult experiences at work. Pave the way slowly. Share a bit about what is happening in the station house and what you did in the past week or two. Notice the reactions. Are they interested, or are they fiddling with their cell phones? Do they ask pertinent questions, or do they yawn and tap their feet? If they are interested, continue the conversation for as long as it is good for both of you. If, on the other hand, their reactions are less than overwhelming, you may have to back off and try again in a few weeks’ time.
Often, firefighters will choose to share first with their spouse. Developing a regular routine of communicating about your work as well as what is going on in your partner’s life, whether it be work, home life, family, or friends, is the basis for building good relationships. You may be surprised how much closer you feel to your partner once you start sharing what is happening at work. Decide together when a good time to talk about these things is. Is it after the kids are tucked into bed? Do you have a regular “date night” that might be a good time for talking and sharing? Perhaps sharing a glass of wine in the living room on the sofa before dinner is the right time for you. All options are open.
Sharing With Children
Assuming that your partner is open to listening and is supportive of you, together you can decide when and how much to share with the kids. A lot depends on how old your children are. Clearly, you will talk differently with younger children as compared to older ones. Yet, all children benefit from open communication with parents and an understanding of what their parent does at work. This can build both connection and understanding between parent and child.
Together with your partner, you can figure out when and where is the best time and place for a conversation about work with the children. For some it may be the dinner table while for others it might be while driving to Little League or putting together a puzzle. Whatever you choose, be sure to go slow and be open to questions. Make sure that your children understand you and don’t assume that they understand your use of slang or jargon. Check to make sure they understand the words you are using, and be prepared to explain more than once.
How Much To Share
Once you have laid the groundwork for more open communication, you can practice sharing on a regular basis. Sharing both big and little stories, funny things that happen at work, and frustrating events can lead the way to sharing traumatic or difficult experiences as well. Remember that you don’t need to share the graphic details of an event to share your feelings or reactions to it. The point is to communicate how you are doing and how you are feeling and share that with your loved ones.
How to Talk about Traumatic Events
When a traumatic event does occur, how can you talk about this at home without upsetting your family? The bare facts of the event are usually enough, without the graphic details, when you want to share with your family where you have been and what you have done. Often, they will have heard about the event on the news and may be curious about it and about your role in it.
It is not necessary to talk about the more difficult sights or go into great detail, as often this can be painful and retraumatizing to the firefighter as well as potentially traumatizing to family members. On the other hand, sharing feelings and reactions, thoughts, questions, worries, and anything else that is on your mind will bring you closer to your loved ones and them closer to you. Listen to how they are feeling too. Allow them to ask you questions, but feel free to say if you would rather not talk about something. Explain to them why some things may be off limits.
Support and Understanding
Firefighters who learn to share some of their work life with their families find that their families become both more supportive and understanding. Home can really become an oasis and a place to let down, relax, and refuel. Remember: There is no one right way to share and communicate. Each person is different, each couple is unique, and each family is special. The one thing that you can be sure about is that communication builds support. Why not give it a try?
Naomi L. Baum, Ph.D., is a psychologist who internationally consults in the field of trauma and resilience. She is the former director of the Resilience Unit at the Israel Center for the Treatment of Psychotrauma, where she created the Building Resilience Intervention (BRI), a program she has implemented extensively in both Israel and internationally in post-disaster and post-trauma environments. Baum directs the International Summer Course-Trauma and Resilience from the Israeli Perspective, a course offered in conjunction with the Hebrew University. She is the author of two books, Life Unexpected: A Trauma Psychologist Journeys through Breast Cancer, and Free Yourself from Fear: A Seven Day Plan for Overcoming Fear of (Recurrent) Cancer. Baum’s Web site is www.naomibaum.com.
Developing a regular routine of communicating about your work as well as what is going on in your partner’s life, whether it be work, home life, family, or friends, is the basis for building good relationships. (Photo by Matt @ PEK.)
Strategies for Communicating with Loved Ones
- Decide that you want to open the lines of communication with family members.
- Choose the family member you wish to start with. Often, but not always, it will be your partner or spouse.
- Think about what you want to say in your first conversation.
- Find a quiet time to talk. You may need to go out for a cup of coffee or a walk. The point is to get undivided attention without distractions.
- Do not share your most harrowing experiences in that first conversation. Go slow.
- Note how your partner or children react when you talk with them. Pay attention to both verbal and nonverbal cues.
- Be opening to listening to them. Remember: Communication is a two-way street.
