I think one of the most interesting things to observe is the strategies different supervisors use to try to change someone’s behavior. Although we’re looking for a “change in behavior,” many supervisors, including myself, have a false sense of what this actually means. I used to think I could change a person’s behavior, when in fact I have very little ability to change anyone but myself. Realistically, people change because they want to, not because their supervisor tells them to.
Values, Attitude, Behavior
Our value system stems from how we were raised as children. When you meet a very polite child, I can assure you that they didn’t get that way by accident; they were influenced by someone whose value system includes politeness.
Our values ultimately influence our attitude, and our attitude directly influences our behavior, making the three intricately linked, like a series of gears that are dependent on one another for movement. We value things that are important to us, which means we do things that are important to us. If we don’t think something is important, we probably don’t care about it and certainly don’t want to spend any time dealing with it.
Given all of this information, it’s no wonder that changing a person’s behavior is one of the most difficult things a supervisor can accomplish.
Who Needs Change?
If you’ve been in the fire service for more than a week, you may have realized that change doesn’t come easy around here. Changing the type of toilet paper a fire department orders has been known to cause near-riot conditions, so how do you think asking someone to change the way they act might go over?
We don’t have true ownership of much in life, except for who we are and how we act. So when a supervisor tells us we need to change the way we behave, we naturally become defensive, because it’s a perceived attack on who we are.
The Problem with “You”
Ultimately, supervisors can only control how the problem will be handled; we can’t control how the employee reacts. This makes some supervisors fearful of confronting an employee. But if you don’t have control over how someone reacts to a situation, why spend time worrying about it? Spend your time worrying about things you do have control over, like how you send the message to the employee. For most people, the message itself isn’t the problem; it’s how we tell people that they need to change.
Years ago, I was introduced to the concept of “you” messages and “I” messages. Since then, I read “Leader Effectiveness Training”–the source of this concept–by Thomas Gordon. According to Gordon, supervisors typically confront employees with messages that fall into 12 categories or road blocks:
- Ordering, directing
- Warning, threatening
- Moralizing, preaching
- Teaching, lecturing
- Advising, offering solutions
- Criticizing, judging
- Praising, buttering up
- Name-calling
- Reassuring
- Psychoanalyzing
- Probing, questioning
- Sarcasm, humor
Using any one of these 12 categories, we send a message to the employee, such as:
You need to stop it.
- You need to get it together.
- Why would you do such a thing?
- You are not very professional.
- You need to take your job more seriously.
The common factor among these messages is a very strong “you” component. When we use the word “you” in a message, we immediately put people on the defensive and create a road block for further discussion.
The Difference between “You” & “I”
Think back to the last time you were confronted by someone. If the conversation started out with a strong “you” message from that person, I bet your immediate reaction was to go on the defense, even if you were wrong. “You” messages stir up emotion and make people feel like they’re being blamed, put down and insulted.
The “I” message is a much more effective means of communication because it decreases the need for the message receiver to put up a defensive posture. And the message sender isn’t perceived as attacking anyone; they’re simply being honest about how they feel.
If a supervisor is frustrated with an employee, they can use an “I” message, such as “I am disappointed,” or “I was embarrassed.” When you let someone know that their actions caused you a problem and stirred up your emotion, the natural reaction for most people is to feel some responsibility for what they did, which gives them a stronger desire to change their behavior.
Example: A company officer asks Firefighter Bill to complete a project by a specific time. Bill knows how to perform the tasks needed to complete the project, and he’s fully aware of the time frame, but he doesn’t complete the project because he simply decides to do something else. The company officer can confront Bill in one of two ways:
- “Bill, why didn’t you get done what I asked you to get done today? You were given a simple task and couldn’t get it done. What the hell is wrong with you?” OR
- “Bill, I feel let down today. I really needed that project done and it didn’t get done. It really puts me in a bad spot when things like this happen.”
Both responses clearly convey the supervisor’s disappointment but in two very different ways. The “you” message is accusatory, which will immediately put Bill on the defensive. As a result, he might start making excuses, not taking responsibility for his actions and blaming others. The “I” message, on the other hand, did not attack, blame, single out or criticize anyone; it simply pointed out how Bill made the supervisor feel and the effects of his actions.
3 Elements
According to “Leadership Effectiveness Training,” a good “I” message should contain three elements: 1) a brief, non-blameful description of the behavior you find unacceptable; 2) your honest feelings; and 3) the tangible and concrete effect of the behavior on you.
The best place to practice the “I” technique is at home. Like many parents, my first reaction when my kids do something wrong is to let out an onslaught of “you” messages.But when I take a deep breath and use a well-thought-out “I” message, the outcome is remarkably different.
Conclusion
We all need to learn to communicate an uncomfortable message from time to time, but how we choose to communicate that message is up to us. We can’t force people to change; we can only try to influence their values. But if effective “I” messages can help us influence someone’s values, we have the opportunity to not only change their behavior, but to make them a better firefighter as well.
