Tricks and Tweets

I'm not a Twitterer; I'm under no illusion that anyone else cares about the mind-bogglingly boring minutiae of my daily life, nor do I have any urge to share those details with the world at large.

But the Halloween shenanigans on my cozy little street left me too much material not to post it SOMEWHERE...so I did it on Facebook. Seemed like every group that knocked at my door was more fodder for the mill. And the rain made for an even better snarkfest. Here (for anyone who didn't follow it there) are the results, in easy-to-read format, and with a few more that didn't make it onto Facebook. ;)

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6:05 PM: "T-t-t-trick or t-t-treat!" (from a young man shivering in the pouring rain in a ripped T-shirt with fake bloodstains and pants with shredded cuffs) ... "Happy Halloween - what are you?" (a reasonable question, I thought) ... "A z-z-z-zombie" (through chattering teeth) ... "Wow - those goosebumps are GREAT. How'd you get them to look so real?" ... "Uhhhh..." Dress for the weather, kiddies.

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6:10 PM: "Twick or tweat!" (from a small green creature blinking in the rain on the porch)..."Are you a Ninja Turtle?" (wild guess - I honestly couldn't tell)..."Uh-huh!"..."I thought you reptiles LIKED water - what're you doing under that umbrella?" ... "Uhhh..." Hoots of laughter from Mom...

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6:15 PM: "Sweetie, can you see?" (from a parent on the sidewalk)..."YES, Mom! I can see FINE!" (from a mortified pre-teen trick-or-treater in a huge, unidentifiable mask, who then walks into the maple tree with a crash, gets up, staggers up the walk, falls up the steps, calls out "TRICK OR TREAT!" facing away from the front door, and knocks over all four jack-o-lanterns on the way back down the steps)... Sure you can, kid.

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6:30 PM: Why do huge groups of trick-or-treaters arrive while you're trying for the twelfth time to re-light the candles in the pumpkins? And why do they troop past you up your steps while you're doing it? Do they think it's someone ELSE'S house, and you just stopped to re-light the pumpkins on the way by? Sheesh.

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6:50 PM: "Trick or treat!" (from a remarkable, if unlikely duo of a Hasidic Jew and Michael Jackson)..."Oy vey. Just beat it."... They didn't get it.

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7:00 PM: "Trick or treat!" (from an amorphous mass under a sheet, with an indeterminate number of eyes, an unusual number of legs, and continuous giggling)..."OK - what are you?"..."Siamese ghosts!" ... OK. We'll take it. Points for originality.

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7:05 PM: Note to trick-or-treaters: If you're old enough to buy a pinstripe suit off the rack for your Al Capone getup, with the JC Penney's tag (size 44R) still on it, you might be too old for trick-or-treating.

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7:08 PM: "Merry Christmas!" "Happy Easter!" "Happy Thanksgiving!" (from a hysterically giggling trio on the porch)... Old gag, but still good for a chuckle.

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7:10 PM: Kids home, dripping and loaded down with goodies. The candy-passing-out duties are hereby handed over to Leaf Shark the Elder. ;)

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7:12 PM: "Trick or treat!" (from a walking wooden structure with slatted sides and a crescent moon cut in the top of the door)..."Uh - are you really a-"..."Yup! I'm an outhouse!"..."Oh - OK. I was going to say a political platform."..."Huh?..." Hoots of laughter from Dad, on the sidewalk..

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7:15PM: "Trick or treat!" (from an impressively endowed young woman in a VERY nice "Naughty French Maid" costume, of questionable eligibility for trick-or-treating agewise, but for whom we'll overlook it)..."Happy Halloween. Here you go."..."Thanks! Hey - those are TERRIFIC pumpkins on the steps!" ... Thanks. Yours aren't half bad, either. ;)

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8:05 PM: Uh..th-th-th-th-that's all, folks. Out of candy. Lights out, jack-o-lanterns extinguished, curtains closed. Wish we still had the Rottweiler. She WAS good for one thing...scaring little kids off the porch in the dark. ;)

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9:30 PM: Note to scary guy from out of town who likes to follow groups of kids around wearing a "Jason"-style hockey mask and fishing waders (?!?) and dragging chains behind him: When the adult with the group (my neighbor) says, "OK - good gag, but that's enough," it's time to pack your kit and hit the road. If you don't, expect to get forcibly detained by highly unamused neighbors until the cops arrive, whereupon THEY, in turn, are likely to be less than amused by your protestations of, "Hey, man - I was just playin'!" Creep.

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10:35 PM: Note to three kids, all under the age of 12, with costumes and candy bags, who were buying coffee coolatas and munchkins at Dunkin' Donuts on Main Street in Poughkeepsie when I made my nightly stop on the way to work: Where the hell are your parents? The only car in the parking lot is MY truck, and there's no evidence of any adults waiting outside or nearby for you. Ancillary note to said urchins' parents, wherever you may be: Please take this opportunity to self-administer one thorough beating for letting your kids wander around the city unescorted on Halloween. Love, me.