Funny Jokes

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Permalink Reply by Oldman on November 3, 2009 at 7:15pm

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.

It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

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Permalink Reply by Justin Buck on November 5, 2009 at 4:07pm

Two fellows were sitting in a coffee shop...suddenly the Town's Fire Alarm went off ... one jumped up and headed for the door ... his friend shouted, "Hey, Tom, I didn't know you were a fireman!"
Tom replied, "I'm not, but my girlfriend's husband is..."

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Permalink Reply by Justin Buck on November 5, 2009 at 4:15pm

Your department has ever had two emergency vehicles pulled over for drag racing on the way to the scene.

You have naked lady mud flaps on your pumper.

Your firehouse has wheels.

You've ever gotten back and found out you locked yourselves out of the firehouse.

Fire training consists of everyone standing around a fire gettin' drunk.

You've ever been toned out on an outhouse fire.

That outhouse fire was with entrapment.

You've ever let a person's house burn down because they wouldn't let you hunt on their ground.

At least one vehicle in the firehouse still has decorations on it from the Halloween Parade and it's January.

Your personnel vehicle has more lights on it than your house has lights in it.

You don't own a Dalmation, but you do have a coon dog named Sparky.

You've ever walked through a christmas display and came up with more than 3 new ideas for a light scheme for your truck.

Your rescue truck can smoke the tires.

Your department's name is misspelled on the equipment.

Your engine
had to be towed in the last Christmas Parade.

Dispatch can't mention your name without laughing.

The local news crew won't put your department on TV because you embarassed them last time.

You've ever referred to a light bar as sexy.

Your defib consists of a pair of jumper cables, a marine battery, and a fish finder.

You've ever taken a girl on a date in a pumper.

Your pumper has been on fire more times than it has been to a fire.

Your pumper smokes more than the house fire.

The only time the trucks leave the station is on bingo night.

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Permalink Reply by Justin Buck on November 5, 2009 at 4:20pm

A man calls the fire department and says, "Yes, I have just had my front yard landscaped, I have a nice new flower bed, a new fish pond with a fountain and a new rose garden." "Very nice," the firefighter says, "but what does that have to do with the fire service?" "Well," the man answers, "the house next door is on fire and I don't want you to trample my front yard."

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Permalink Reply by Oldman on November 5, 2009 at 4:53pm

A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.' The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

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Permalink Reply by Oldman on November 13, 2009 at 2:55pm

THE BLONDE MORTICIAN
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points
out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and she says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend? To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

There's no charge,' she says.

No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

So I just switched the heads.'

(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!)

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